Likes, Comments, and Maladaptive Eating Disorders

No one ever wants to think of themselves as anything less than the greatest. We all sit around idealizing the model woman with a size zero frame, slender face and shoulders, pearly white teeth, and a strobing glow inside and out and thinking: “Wow, why can’t I look like her?” Growing up you are told that you are perfect just the way you are and what matters is what is truly on the inside, but sometimes that is simply not enough. We live in a generation where “pics or it didn’t happen” but it goes much deeper than that. We want to post pictures on social media with the best polished version of ourselves, doing things that will flood your notification center with an endless amount of likes and fire emoji’. We base our self-worth on these meaningless properties.

I was always underweight in high school, I had to be in order to meet weight requirements for cheerleading. It wasn’t hard for me, I was always running and working out not to mention I always ate healthy due to my vegetarian diet. I thought all of my healthy habits would carry with me over when I went to college but I was far off. I went to the gym about once every two weeks if I was lucky and so much pasta. The freshmen fifteen hit harder than I thought it would.

I would come home to comments from my family whom was worried that I had gained a little too much weight while I was off at school. Simple things like shopping for new clothes seemed horrifying. I was embarrassed to go outside; I was embarrassed to post pictures on social media; I was embarrassed to be in a bathing suit. My pants did not zip anymore and my tops were a little too snug. Along with my deflated ego and comments like “that is okay these can be your goal pants,” had pushed me over the edge.

I started to live off of celery, kale, spinach, a table spoon of peanut butter, anything with the fewest amount of calories and I would go to the gym and lift and run for miles until the calories I ingested matched the ones I burned. People would tell me how great I looked and that they needed to do whatever I was doing because I looked “incredible” and I would quickly and bashfully disregard the compliment back onto them. All of the kind words from my closest friends held a shallow meaning to me because what was the cost? What was the trade off? My deteriorating happiness and physical body was on the line all for what, a few envious stares?

I finally had deactivated all of my social media. I would find myself up until 3 in the morning, endlessly scrolling through Instagram and Pinterest partaking in self-loathing comparing myself to all of the women that would go gracefully bless my timeline. My self-confidence shattered and with that, maladaptive behaviors became more prevalent. I was not the type of woman to receive as many likes or attention on social media. I thought that there was nothing I could do to feel confident in my own skin.

My eating disorder and shattered self-esteem impacted all of my relationships. I stopped putting in the effort to spend time with my friends and not to mention, I could not even fathom trying to put myself out in the world of dating. I was all alone. My closest friends eventually confronted me for constantly blowing them off because I was either at the gym or out for a run or not wanting to go for a 2 AM Taco Bell run with them. They realized that I wasn’t just the same person anymore. It was the first time my “cry for help” had resonated with anyone but myself. They understood my frustration and admitted that they were struggling just as much as I was. We made a group pact we would motivate each other and embrace the growth that is just around the corner. We collectively decided to deactivate our social media accounts for a month and created a meal plan suitable for a healthy, well rounded diet to coincide with a non-vigorous workout plan focused on building muscle and less cardio.

We quickly saw a change in our emotional and physical states. We found ourselves up all hours of the night eating tubs of ice cream and skipping “leg day” every once in a while without any regret or remorse. We did not have perfect bodies, skin, hair yet we were content with who we are. We no longer let the impacts of social judgement or maladaptive behaviors hinder how far we have come since our solitude of insecurities.